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Posts Tagged ‘Monty Python’

Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2010

Open quoteI’m not a witch.Close quote

  • CHRISTINE O’DONNELL, Delaware’s Republican candidate for U.S. Senate, in her first general election campaign ad
It’s just too good to pass up!
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Bedevere stands on a stage in front of a large crowd of wild villagers.

Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!
Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch?
Villager: She looks like one!
Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!!
Bedevere: Bring her forward.

(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She
is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose,
and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is
closed by the carrot.)

Witch: I’m not a witch, I’m not a witch!
Bedevere: Er,…but you are dressed as one.
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this.
Villagers: No! nooo! We didn’t! We didn’t!
Witch: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one!

(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman’s real nose, which is in
fact rather small.)

Bedevere: Well?
One Villager: Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose?
Villager: And the Hat. But she’s a witch!
Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!
Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no…
One Villager: yes.
Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.
Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart…
Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!!

(pause)

Bedevere: a newt?

(long pause)

Villager: I got better…
Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!
Bedevere: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she
is a witch!
Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!
Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!
Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Villager: More Witches!
Other Villager: Wood.
Bedevere: So. Why do witches burn?

(long silence)
(shuffling of feet by the villagers)

Villager: (tentatively) Because they’re made of…..wood?
Bedevere: Goooood!
Other Villagers: oh yeah… oh….
Bedevere: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
One Villager: Build a bridge out of ‘er!
Bedevere: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm…
Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
One Villager: No! No, no, it floats!
Other Villager: Throw her into the pond!
Villagers: yaaaaaa!

(when order is restored)

Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Villager: Bread!
Another Villager: Apples!
Another Villager: Uh…very small rocks!
Another Villager: Cider!
Another Villager: Uh…great gravy!
Another Villager: Cherries!
Another Villager: Mud!
Another Villager: Churches! Churches!
Another Villager: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck!
Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh!
Bedevere: exACTly!
Bedevere: (to a villager) So, *logically*…
Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word)
If…she…weighs the same as a duck……she’s made of wood.
Bedevere: and therefore…

(pause)

Villager: A Witch!
All Villagers: A WITCH!

(they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere’s largest
scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)

Witch: It’s a fair cop…